2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
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[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
every single time
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
My inexpensive home security system…
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.