The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
You Might Also Like
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Don’t touch that.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.