[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
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If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???