[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
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[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
i am:
鈿笍 a man
鈿笍 a woman
馃敇 living in the year 2021looking for:
鈿笍 men
鈿笍 women
馃敇 a way out
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don鈥檛 work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
*gets b潭e潭t潭t潭e潭r潭 bitter with age*
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It鈥檚 the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What鈥檚 wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Someone in my daughter鈥檚 class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine鈥檚 Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 馃お
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Hard not to take this personally
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Yeah it鈥檚 disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn鈥檛 their friends like my joke tho? 馃槫 How rude.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I鈥檒l take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California鈥檚 drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I鈥檇 buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it鈥檚 better.
Dolls on drugs
You look like you would fail a DNA test
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.