*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
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[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Found the job I’m suited for
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.