me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
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waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Go hard or stay average
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me