Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
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The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.