[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
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me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.