[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
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After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Smooooooth
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.