2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
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Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
The biggest mystery of our time
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
he’s doing your taxes
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.