2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
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Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.