[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
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I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently