[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
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Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Breaking news:
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”