My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
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When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?