The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
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The future is now.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!