*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
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Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.