2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
You Might Also Like
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Discuss
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.