Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
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Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Noted.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.