2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
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Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi鈥擨 mean鈥rucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that鈥檚 not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone鈥檚 playing the bagpipes.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 馃様
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren鈥檛 these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn鈥檛 a chocolate cookie
me:
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday