I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
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Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.