I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
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2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Fired my daughter鈥檚 math tutor when he said she wasn鈥檛 giving 110%.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
How many games did you play already?馃槄
#chessmeme
This selfie angle isn鈥檛 to make me look thin, it鈥檚 so you can check me for lice
I鈥檝e never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Why didn鈥檛 they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat