[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
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Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Planet of the Apps.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.