[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
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[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.