[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
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Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Feels
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?