[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
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[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.