[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
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Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”