2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
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Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt