@Jeff_Sargeant: 2 out of 3 isn't bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it's bad
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@donni: Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
@J0hnnyBlaze: 10:00pm *gets a snack* 10:01pm *turns on tv* 10:02pm *glances at twitter for 8 seconds* February
@joejwest: [chess tournament] RIVAL: [plays move] ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess! COMMENTATOR: He's won every round this way
@trevso_electric: The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.