@Jeff_Sargeant: 2 out of 3 isn't bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it's bad
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@topaz_kell: To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
@Eightinchgoat: Some dude just asked if I was "herb friendly". I told him I like basil and dill and he walked off. Guess he didn't have thyme to discuss it.
@timdonakowski: I like to mute CNN and imagine they're arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
@OfficialMizGin: My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious. The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down. I challenged him to a rap battle.