2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
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If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician