2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
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It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.