No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
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Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.