waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
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Vodka burrito was a success
Eat…
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.