2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
…..pretty much.
I don’t think my car can fly
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy: