2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
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“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Always.
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“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim