2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
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“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
oh u like geography? name every lake
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.