2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
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Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.