[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
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You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.