[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
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Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Follow me for more life hacks.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward