Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
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Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.