2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
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The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of