2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
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I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Twitter fine art
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Not all heroes wear capes…
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.