If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
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my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Terribly Tuesday.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
🥶🥶🐶🐶
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed