[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
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HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.