[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
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We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.