“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
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Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.