20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
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Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.