20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
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*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook