me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
You Might Also Like
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
I only eat vegetarians.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
pls suprot
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.