20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
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[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees