Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
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“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites