20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
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Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together