20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
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Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.