@76coop: 20 yrs from now they'll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
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@mommajessiec: Husband: *leaves to run an errand* Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
@GrimReaperInc: The lord spoke and said "let there be light" and there was light. Lucifer spoke and said "let there be darkness" and there was darkness. Death spoke and said "let there be soft mood lighting with a slow jam playing" and Death got laid.
@Reverend_Scott: [blind date] (don't let her know ur a dog walker) "So what do u do?" Well, I'm like a- [13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]