@76coop: 20 yrs from now they'll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
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@robfee: Mitt Romney announcing he’s not running for president is like Johnny Depp announcing there won’t be a sequel to Mortdecai.
@scottthetwat: I received 10 pounds of pot in the mail by mistake. So I did the right thing and called the police to come pick up all 4 pounds.
@djdarrellripley: Me: Who could that be? It's 2:00 in the morning. Her: I don't know. Do burglars knock? Me: It depends on how they were raised...
@JustASmirk: My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.