200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
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I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Made something I’m not proud of
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”