200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
You Might Also Like
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
I self medicate, therefore you live.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.